DEARBORN — Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate love and display affection. However, the way individuals and communities perceive and pursue romance differs among cultures and religions, and the Arab American community is no exception. 

Arab Americans’ views on dating are somewhat different from those of the American mainstream.

Many Arab Americans reject premarital romantic relationships as a concept. Others are more tolerant of men dating than they are of women.

Moe, 19, a Henry Ford Community College student, said his “conservative” parents would not allow him to be involved in a romantic relationship before marriage.

“They wouldn’t like the idea of a girlfriend,” he said. “Our community, everyone around us, is allergic to the word ‘dating.'”

Moe added that his family might not object if he “liked” a girl as long as she’s Arab. “Liking a non-Arab would be out of the question. They’d see it as leaving the culture,” he said.

The 19 year-old said the differences in Arab perception of dating create a “conflict” for the community’s youth, as they see their non-Arab peers engaging in affectionate relationships that are accepted by their community.

 “It’s like they’re staring out of a window. It is wrong to deprive our young people of those feelings,” he said. “Once they grow older and experience dating behind their parents’ back, they become totally consumed by that relationship. They lose their focus on work and college.”

Hussein, another HFCC student, echoed Moe’s comments about how inexperienced young Arab Americans can become unhealthily obsessive about their first relationship.

He said he attended a mostly Muslim charter high school, where dating was not common among the students.

“My friend had a scholarship to the University of Michigan. He met a girl on his first semester and turned all his attention to her,” Hussein said. “He was so excited that he started slacking off on his school work. His GPA dropped, and he lost the scholarship. It’s really bad.”

Hussein said his parents would not mind if he had a girlfriend, but they would not permit his sister to date. 

“My parents are very open-minded with the boys,” he said. “But for some reason, girls affect the reputation of the entire family. It’s the culture’s fault. Religion treats boys and girls the same.”

He added that communication within the family about premarital romantic relationships is the best way to avoid undesirable outcomes, such as psychological problems. 

Moe said he would allow his children, boys and girls, to date. “Dating isn’t bad,” he added. “As long as they’re going out in public and not doing anything wrong. When it comes to the girl, maybe I would like her boyfriend to come to my house first.”

He said sex before marriage would be considered “wrong,” according to religion.

Moe noted that when it comes to dating, stricter standards are applied to girls in most families, where young women are more restricted than men. “Some people might call that sexism. But parents would argue they’re doing it to protect their daughters,” he said.

However, Zeinab, an 18 year-old Edsel Ford High School graduate, said the dissimilar treatment between males and females in the community is actually “sexism,” although her mother does not bar her from having a boyfriend.

Zeinab, who was raised by a single parent, says her mother accepts that she has a boyfriend, although she is still “overprotective” of her.

“When I met my boyfriend, I thought there’s no way my mother would approve of him because he’s Chaldean,” she said. “I was heartbroken. But I told her after a few months, and she said she trusts me and she doesn’t mind.”

However, Zeinab added that her mother still implemented limitations on her relationship. “I have to come back home at a certain time; she is always calling, always worried that I might drink or have sex with him,” she explained.

Zeinab said her mother would not have set the same restrictions if she were a boy. “People in this community don’t care what boys do, but they’re always interrogating the girls,” she said. “It’s a sexist thing. If I want to have sex, my mother would kill me. If my brother wants to have sex, she’d get him the condoms.” 

But she added that she is lucky to have a “cool” mother because other girls in the community “are not even allowed to talk to guys.”

Despite complaining about the way girls are treated in the community, Zeinab said she would not treat her children equally. “I would be strict with my daughter, not because she is less, but because men in our society tend to judge and take advantage of girls,” she said. 

Alia, a mother of six children and a college student majoring in psychology, said she treats her children differently according to their gender.

She said she permits her sons to date, but not her daughter. “You worry about the girl more,” she added.

Alia explained that she raised all of her children with the same principles, but as they grow older, she accepts what her sons do because she cannot control their actions.

She said her daughter, 19, asks for her permission before she goes out, but her sons do not.

“If one of my sons came home with flowers and a teddy bear on Valentine’s Day, I wouldn’t care, but if my daughter did, I would start questioning her,” Alia said. “Is it double standards? Yes. Is it hypocrisy? Yes. But these are the culture’s standards, and culture plays a major role in our lives. We’re culturally programmed that way. I feel like that’s what my parents used on me, and it is how I’m raising my children.”

Alia added that she would only allow her daughter to have a boyfriend if she knows that their relationship is honest and concrete and would eventually end up in marriage.

“If dating is to know the person and build commitment, then there is no problem with it,” she explained. “But the word ‘dating’ is sensitive. The American perspective on dating is often sexual, and that’s the problem.” 

However, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines dating as “the series of social engagements shared by a couple looking to get married.” 

Imam Mohammad Ali Elahi, the spiritual leader of the Islamic House of Wisdom in Dearborn Heights, said the version of dating that the “dominant culture” promotes is wrong and unhealthy to the concept of family.

Elahi emphasized the importance of family in the community, adding that the families in our society are in crisis, as divorce rates are rising and marriage rates are declining. 

We need education centers to stress the concept of family,” he said. “A successful family leads to a successful community. A healthy family leads to healthy community. A better family leads to a better America.”

Elahi added that the youth should perceive dating as “orientation and preparation for marriage.”

“If dating was a necessity for the covenant of marriage, it should be under certain restriction and regulations,” he said. “That means that the male and female should meet in an environment where the family is present or somehow in public, so they do not have physical contact and a sexual relationship before marriage, which would be very destructive. The relationship should be honest and pure.” 

Elahi questioned the purpose of the mainstream notion of dating, as promoted by Hollywood and the media, adding that dating “for fun” could lead to the destruction of the family, unplanned pregnancies, abortions and emotional turmoil.

“It’s very dangerous,” he said.

Elahi explained that when young people date, they have different expectations of each other, which can lead to depression and anger if they are not fulfilled. 

He urged community members not to operate emotionally only and use their intellect when it comes to dating and marriage.

However, Elahi added that men and women are held to the same ethical and religious standards in Islam.

“Fear of God and morality apply to both men and women. Both are human beings dignified as people of God,” he said.

Elahi said if young people with physical needs do not have the financial means to get married, Shi’a Islam allows them to enter a temporary marriage under preconditions they set in order to avoid engaging in haram (religiously forbidden) sexual activities.

Temporary marriage, or “Mut’a,” is a verbal contract that allows a man and a woman to set the duration and terms of their marriage in advance.

“Marriage is not a ‘Wajib’ (religious duty) in Islam, but if you’re about to commit haram acts, it becomes a ‘Wajib,'” he explained. 

While stressing the importance of marriage and family, Elahi said temporary marriage is better than “having irresponsible dating where nobody knows the consequences of the relationship.”  

He called for a “support system” to educate families in the community on how to deal with this issue. 

He suggested establishing a “marriage foundation” that would help young people connect for the purpose of marriage. 

“In a marriage foundation we would have people who are trained and educated in matchmaking. They would talk to the youth and get their ideas and expectation and help them to find the right partner,” he said. “Obviously this is a very important project and would require a lot of funding and many volunteers and cannot be done by one imam.”

Elahi also urged the engagement of the community in dealing with the youth issue, where stable, experienced people and experts would volunteer and mentor others.

As for celebrating Valentine’s Day, Elahi said Islam presses for love and respect in marriage, as “mercy” is the most mentioned word in the Quran.

He said Islam does not object to married couples observing Valentine’s Day by exchanging gifts and going out. “Everyday should be a Valentine’s Day to show love between married people,” Elahi said.