DEARBORN – Discussion about domestic violence emerged from the shadows in the Arab American community following a tragic murder-suicide last week.

While domestic violence appears to have no limits— it affects various communities and all ages and demographics— it is still a hard pill to swallow for many in this community.

The family of Ali Saad, the 40-year-old man who killed his wife, Heba Saad, 29, before committing suicide on Sunday, May 3, was infuriated that The Arab American News ran a detailed report about the incident. This article included information about the couple’s struggle with domestic violence, based on accounts from friends and co-workers of the victim.

The Arab American News’ intention in running the story was to reach other women who are also being subjected to an abusive spouse or sibling. Perhaps a reader would look at the detailed account of the tragedy and prompt them to take action of their own, before it becomes too late. 

What we know for a fact is that Heba was not alone in this battle. Day in and day out, women in this community remain targets of domestic violence, while their friends and family continue to remain silent. The tragedy has elevated a discussion, often ignored or forbidden , into the spotlight. 

On Friday, May 8 at the Alzahraa Islamic Center in Detroit, Imam Sayed Hassan Qazwini discussed domestic violence in front of community members, stating that there is a misconception that the religion tolerates such behavior.

“This is a big insult to our religion and it’s a big misconception that exists in the mind of many people,” Qazwini said. “This is not true. No man has the right to beat his wife; Islam forbids that.”

Qazwini discussed the recent murder-suicide and stated that a man should learn to control his temper before he makes a drastic life-altering decision. He also denounced families who chose to conceal a gun at home; stating that it’s one of the main sources of provocation.

Qazwini said there is a domestic violence problem in the Arab American community, as with many other communities. He shared a story of a local man who almost beat his wife to death after he came home from a night of gambling and drinking. The wife was taken to Oakwood Hospital in Dearborn, where she suffered severe injuries to her ribs.

“A true definition of a strong man is not the one who can flex his muscles and be physically powerful,” Qazwini said. “It’s the one who can control his temper. We can’t let anger take over us and allow us to make the wrong decisions in life. Only a pitiful man would get involved in domestic violence. We should never allow it in our community. We should never consider it a normal procedure or normal practice.”

While religious leaders have claimed to have seen their fair share of domestic violence occurrences in the local community, local law enforcers are also addressing concerns.

In an interview with The Arab American News, 19th District Court Chief Judge Sam Salamey shared his thoughts regarding an influx of domestic violence cases that have landed in his lap.

 “It’s unfortunate that domestic violence transcends all demographics, ages and racial barriers, but we have been seeing more cases from the Arab American community which is traditionally a more conservative community,” said Salamey. “A part of it is the victim denying the abuse, being in a state of denial or for self preservation.”

Salamey said that economic stress appears to be one of the leading factors that could cause a husband to physically harm his wife. Drugs and alcohol also play a role in escalating tensions between a couple.

He noted that he didn’t expect to see a drastic amount of cases involving middle-aged couples.

 “That has been somewhat surprising,” Salamey said. “Middle aged and older aged couples are beginning to experience more domestic violence. We have seen a higher percentage of that age group than we have seen in recent years. Perhaps it’s an exception that may be impacted by the socio economic environment and something that hopefully won’t escalate.”

When Salamey oversees domestic violence cases in his courtroom, he said it’s important to distinguish whether it’s an isolated incident or a recurring problem. Jail time, probation, rehabilitation and fines are all possible penalties. He also looks for remorse or acknowledgement of the wrong-doing from the abuser.

“The offender needs to acknowledge the abuse and acknowledge the actions they perpetuated on their spouse,” said Salamey. “The offender must be held responsible and must understand that the court will not tolerate this kind of conduct. We have a zero tolerance policy against that.” 

Mona Makki, the deputy director of ACCESS’ community health and research center, told The Arab American News that the organization helps more than 300 individuals yearly in domestic violence cases. Makki noted that the main goal for ACCESS’ domestic violence program is to provide a support base for victims and assist them with their needs should they decide to leave a spouse or partner.

According to the latest statistics, a domestic violence victim is likely to return to her partner an average of eight times before finally making a firm decision to move on. 

“The most dangerous time for a victim is when she makes the decision to leave,” said Makki. 

Women who turn to the organization for help will likely not feel alone. Meetings are held monthly for survivors to share their stories and build friendships with other women who were also in their shoes. However, some women might prefer to be private about their situation. ACCESS guarantees anonymity at a survivor’s request as well. 

Makki noted that in the Arab American community, lack of support seems to be the main reason why many women will not leave an abusive spouse. In many cases, a woman feels she could cause humiliation to her family should she come forward with allegations of abuse. The culture also plays a large role because of how separation and divorce are perceived. 

Couples who are going through marital problems are usually told to amend their issues instead of urging a separation or break, which could also lead to more abuse.

While ACCESS recommends that couples seek professional help in their marital issues, many in the local community will end up going through a faith leader instead. Makki said that route can work for a couple too, as long as both individuals feel comfortable with that avenue.  

Makki said that while many women may be hesitant to leave an abusive spouse, ACCESS has found that children play a large role in prompting the woman to want out of an abusive relationship.

“When a mother begins to see patterns in her children that reflect their environmental upbringing, whether it’s behavior problems at school or with substance abuse, that’s usually a red flag and that’s when they begin to take steps,” she said.

Makki noted that the program refers to its clients as “survivors” as opposed to “victims”, because many women will emerge out of it with their own success story, having no regrets or remorse about making that detrimental decision during the most vulnerable period of their lives. 

ACCESS demonstrates those successes annually at its Domestic Violence Awareness Banquet. There, survivors brave the spotlight to share their story and struggle, hoping to make an impact on somebody who may be listening.

ACCESS’ Domestic Violence and Treatment Program offers free and confidential services, counseling, psychiatric services, case management, legal services and food vouchers, among other resources. For more information on the program, call 313.216.2202.